August 9, 2005

I ate lunch alone today and continued to read Still Life With Woodpecker. I had my same salad with grilled chicken, mixed greens, peppers, broccoli (or Trees, as my brother used to call them), a tsp. of rosemary olive oil, and red wine vinegar. It's tasty and healthful. I'm one of those people who watches what they eat and truly doesn't mind eating healthy. I even evolved to the person who exercises and eats healthy because it makes me feel good, not so much because it keeps me fit. Though, I'd be a liar if I said that don't care what I look like as long as I feel good. It's a good philosophy and a freeing one, I'd imagine. It's clear that most people don't really feel that way or if they do, they are most likely trying to convince themselves that they feel that way, but they don't really. I'm going to broach the topic of large people. I don't mean "I need to lose 10 lbs" large, I mean, dangerously heavy large. I was raised by two very nice parents who taught my brother and I to be sensitive to other people's feelings at all times. Meaning, don't tease others for things they cannot control. This factor along with my deeply emotional nature and sometimes burndensome ability to put myself in other people's shoes has made me extraordinarily sensitive to the plight of an overweight person in our body concious, and fast food laden society. Back to lunch. As I took my salad to the "dork side" of the cafeteria, (the quiet side where no one really sits) I noticed an extremely large man sitting with his back to the room eating lunch. I couldn't see what he was eating because his wide back blocked his try. Not that it matters anyway, I wasn't looking to judge his selection. Instantly tears sprang to my eyes. This is a problem I have relating to my empathetic nature. I cannot, under any circumstances stand to see a large man, woman or child eating alone in a cafeteria. It's a Pavlovian reaction to this episod of Little House on the Praire where the new, fat kid named Wilbur (way to twist the knife tv writers) being tormented by Nellie and Willie Olson. I'd imagine how lonely and sad they must feel. How hard their days must be. Each morsel being shoved in their mouth solicited pangs of sadness in my heart. Whatever heartbreaking image was branded in my head is still with me today. I realize that I am the weirdo. I realize that not all large people are lonely, sad or face daily ridicule. It's not so much that I feel sorry for large people. I just understand how some non-large sized people view large sized people and it can be cruel, vicious and above all pointless. The initial tears and sadness I feel give way to a rage against those cruel, ignorant, bullies (for lack of a better word). I'm sure anyone who's ever been teased can relate to this. Right? My day goes on as most other work days. I'm comforted by the fact that I'm still the same sensitive girl that I always was. Conversely, I'm saddened by the fact that the insensitive pricks of childhood are now insensitive pricks of adulthood.