Vision Quest

It has hit me recently that I am an artist. I mean REALLY hit me.I’ve spent so many years in plays and being part of an ensemble of actors, directors, writers, designers, technicians, etc. that I failed to recognize myself as an artist on the whole. Actors are trained and groomed to be the ultimate yes men. Please do not interchange actor with celebrity. Actors bodies, minds, voices must be ready to take on any challenge that comes their way. For arguments sake, the challenge is a play/film/sketch show. It shouldn’t matter what the challenge is from Shakespeare to Second City, the actor is relied upon to help the director/writer/producer bring their visions to life.

As far as actors go, I’m as reliable and open minded as they come. I look to the director for some guidance, but I challenge myself to bring things to the table and make discoveries from first read-thru to closing night. The process of creating a character and working to attain physical and vocal transformation is what thrills me, confuses me, frustrates me and constantly reminds me how blazingly complex and beautiful the human psyche is. My art lies in that creation.

When I am not allowed freedom to create my art is taken from me. This very thing happened to me recently. It hurt my soul. Rehearsals got so bad. We actors were so fed up with literally being pulled by our arms, being told HOW to say things, how to FEEL about things, how many inches to the left your thumb should be, what inflection that sigh of defeat should have, etc. that we reverted into 4 year olds. Aside from one giant dense mother fucker who didn’t know any better, we were the most uninspired collection of artists I’d ever seen. When one is uninspired, one gets bored and sort of sad, when one is bored and sort of sad, one can get into trouble. Naughty little kids in church we were. It got so bad that I peed my pants on the stage.

I don’t want to be in that position again. I spent hours upon hours rehearsing and commuting with the end result being me asking myself and other cast mates what type of funny moustaches we should draw on our faces. As funny as that was, and it was hilarious, it advanced me none as an artist. I’m talking about growth and not notoriety. This brings about the conundrum. If I want more notoriety anyone here in Chicago would tell me to audition, do shows, audition, do shows…It’s a very easy recipe for an actor to follow as well as a very easy trap to fall into. Believe me with a new theatre company popping up every 5 GD seconds here in Chicago, it ain’t hard to get cast in SOMETHING. (Follow up blog on you little dreamers who INSIST on starting your own theatre companies coming very soon.)

After five years of doing what “they” tell you to do I’m realizing that because I really am the ultimate YES man, that I should take into account the fact that I have things to say. I have developed a creative process, I have experienced dozens of styles and approaches and while I don’t particularly care about sharing them with aspiring actors (ie: teaching), I want to explore more what they mean to me and to see what I have to say and figure out how I want to say it. I could have just said that after this current production I’m in closes, I’m going to be creating for myself for awhile, the end goal being a one-woman show along with a couple of other projects that have been kicked around as of late.

I’m not stupid or arrogant enough to think that I’ll see these projects through without the assistance of trusted advisors including, but not limited to, writers, directors, actors, improvisers and just overall smart, funny people. The goal here is for the first time since my slew of childhood products I’m going to be working toward my vision and not the visions of others. God, I feel like such a sack for only realizing this now.

I have no idea what this vision is by the way. Any ideas????