The stages of Chicago cold. (My L.A. Homies Can Keep Their Pretty Little Mouths Shut)

Today is the first bitter cold day for 2005. Mars and I have yet to turn on the heat this year. Heating costs are to soar and the thought of dipping into clothing funds or travel funds to pay a freakin’ utility bill is abhorrent. I bought a bunch of hand knit ponchos and long wrap sweaters at the thrift store for a reason. So, as we watch ‘Lost’ tonight, we will cuddle under our blankets, cover our cold noses and feel thankful we weren’t on Oceanic Flight 815. Moving on…

This is my 8th winter in Chicago. Each year, we brace for, resent, endure and ultimately accept that Chicago weather is the shittiest winter weather in this country. Flat as a pancake, no protection from mountains or hills, and the great (smelly, polluted, far too big) Lake Michigan to the East makes us the meteorological bitch of the Midwest. Oh, I must mention the nasty ass Chicago River that flanks my office building to the West adding a delicious chill to the sweeping wind, presenting a nice challenge to the capabilities of any scarf, hat, gloves or coat.

After eight winters, I have developed somewhat of a system to deal with the erratic weather of the Windy City. I know this nickname originated from political connotation, but c’mon, aside from Ellensburg, Washington (Whoo Hoooo!), this is the only other place where the wind has swept me off my feet. Couple the wind with freezing temperatures and precipitation and you have what I call ‘The Little House on the Prairie Effect.’ This is on the more severe end of the spectrum. Some days it’s just wind, sometimes just precipitation, sometimes it’s that lovely, sunny, crisp day that makes you want to go outside. Mostly, though, it’s cold and sloppy.

City dwellers, for the most part, are pedestrians. I walk an average of 40 minutes a day just to get from home to work and back. The thought of leaving my bed in the winter is enough to make me cry. In order to make this bearable, I spend a lot of time watching the weather forecasts and pre-planning my winter weather outfits. Layers are the key. When the temperatures start dropping in October you’re wise not to go right to the winter coat. Rather you should layer sweaters or invest in suede or leather. I am partial to the wool wrap. Don’t wear gloves or heavy tights. Wear hats and scarves that offer no protection from the weather, but are purely for fashion. The point is to start toughening up your skin. Even if you’re chilly, tough it out as the current 45 degrees will feel like springtime come November.

Next, when daytime temps are within freezing (below when you factor the wind chill); you need to bump up the outer gear. It’s time to put on your winter coat. (Just your wool one mind you, DO NOT wear he goose down or the multi layered North Face just yet.) Hats, scarves and gloves are also acceptable at this point. You may also break out any lined wool slacks. Feel free to layer sweaters and long sleeves too. On precipitation days be prepared with a weather proof coat, shoes and unless it’s snowing, an umbrella. People in Chicago carry umbrellas in the snow. They look really stupid.
When the temperature falls below freezing degrees, but above 15 degrees you must add layers. I’m a fan of two pairs of tights, but beware of athlete’s foot. Long underwear is a great option too. I learned the hard way that thongs are an issue. I’ve dealt with butt freeze for the sake of the not having a disgusting panty line, but beware that you’ll have to suffer for it. You may want to have some lined footwear at this point, frozen toes are no fun. Definitely invest in a fancy pants parka with zip out liners or a long, puffy goose down coat. I scoffed for years before I realized that the goose down is so effective that you don’t need as many bulky layers. Mine is white with a hood and I look like a Storm Trooper. Mars makes me run and do the turn around and shoot while still running move, while making “bew, bew, bew” gun noises.

Below 15 degrees, is when pride must go out the window if you want to stay warm. I hearken back to the sub zero weather in the winter of ’95 where I marched 25 minutes across campus looking much like an Ewok with my fleece pants on my head and the legs wrapped around my face. It was very effective. Yes, I referenced Star Wars twice. Something about hard core outer wear I guess. Do whatever you have to do to keep covered from head to toe. Don’t be afraid to look fat. Go so far as to wear sunglasses or goggles to keep your eyes warm. Cold eye feels weird and makes you tear up, which freezes to your face, which sucks.

Well below zero hits this region a few times a year, thankfully, it doesn’t stay too long. My advice is to call in sick. Sometimes it’s just inhumane to put yourself through such frigid temperatures.

The point of these stages is so the severe won’t feel as severe. I stand by my stages, even though I may just be fucking with my mind. This is all a coping mechanism for dealing with the wrath of Chicago winter. Work, rehearsal, life, it won’t stop for weather, so unless I want to drop out of life for 1/3 of the year, I have to deal.

Here are some other tips given to me by friends, some of whom have dealt with Midwest winters the whole life.

• Drink copious amounts of red wine.
• Laugh heartily at the skinny blond clone bitches standing in lines at stupid bars in identical black tank tops and open toed shoes.
• Wear socks on your hands.
• Wear leg warmers for actually keeping warm and not for some stab at retro fashion.
• When in need of a cab, call one ahead of time and have them pick you up at your front door.
• Eat twice as much food as usual.
• Go tanning? Yeah, someone swore by that. Just don’t get orange. You’ll look like an ass.
• Only venture out to places with adequate heat.
• Caulk your cracks.
• Do that plastic covering stuff on your windows.
• Cook a lot and enjoy the ovenous heat.
• Warm pants on the head double as a hat and a scarf. Think Lawrence of Arabia or Combat Ewok.
• Hair dry your body when getting out of the shower.
• Keep a warm robe in your bed with you and put it on before you step out of it.
• Use heating pads and electric blankets.
• Wear snow boots when there’s snow. I don’t mean Uggs either, jerks who wear Uggs with mini skirts.
• Embrace the Russian peasant look with multiple wool wraps.
• Eat hot foods.
• Exercise in your house.
• Run from the television to the bathroom so you won’t notice the cold.
• Have your husband start the car well before you have to get in it.
• Marvel at how tough you’ve become in the face of another Chicago winter.

I’m sure there are more. I welcome any suggestions. Locals, God speed. West Coasters, the Seattle gloom is a welcome gloom.

Much love,
Kerri, Durla, KSan.