"Goin' to the chapel, but first squeeze out a baby."

Don’t know where this is coming from. I’m no prude. I’m not a traditionalist. So I thought. Lately, our culture has been inundated with celebrities. The celebrity couple is at the forefront of all of this type of “news”. As if two people getting together on a set (or through a pre-arranged meeting), fucking and falling in love is any sort of “news”. Even so, the press is all over the prospect of wedding bells for the latest celeb hook up. Does anyone have wedding bells? Can you imagine, just beginning to date someone and your friends and family start asking about marriage? Any person with any semblance of good sense and that possesses knowledge about what it takes to be in a successful coupledom knows goddamned well that you DO NOT say forever and make forever commitments within the first six months of a relationship.

Don’t even say, “My great grandma and grandpa met as teens and it was love at first sight…” Yeah, it was also 1915 and they just wanted to get it on, but back then you had to get married first. Odds, people, it’s about odds. Odds are, in the first three months you will be blinded by passion, in awe of this magical love you have found. Yay for you. After three months the descent from ecstasy filled dances on the clouds begins. Oh, SNAP, that pedestal is gone. Reality sets in and you begin to see each other for who you really are and it dawns on you that relationships require work. It can be disappointing to come to terms with the fact that things just aren’t the same as they were. If you’re not a weak ass load, you will see that perhaps the person that got you all hot and bothered was simply a good lay. There is nothing wrong with that. You may even have loved that person. Falling in love or as I say, falling in lust, for a brief time is fine. It’s not a failure to not have worked out. It’s a blessing.

I’ve observed that women have a lot of trouble in the letting go area. They feel like failures and think that they’re worthless and “Oh, why, oh why, when it was so good?” Whatever. Shut up. (I’m married and all of that, but I’ve been here, so I can totally talk shit.) Society has conditioned women to get a man and hang on to that motherfucker for dear life. I think women in 2006 should know better than to buy in to that old school jargon, but then again, when I see television, newspapers, the internet beatify celebrity couples I can see how it would be very hard to escape the notion that there is no need to race to the alter or at least to start a famdamily. I think Paul Anka says it best:

You’re havin’ my baby.
What a beautiful way to say
How much you love me.

Brangelina. You thought it before I even wrote it. TomKat. I just vurped. There are the lucky few, and I know some personally, who end up in the family way with the right person, the one they wanted to work a relationship/family with anyway. BUT…odds, people, it’s still about odds. Oh, and kids. Oh, the miracle of the baby. It can fill one with such a sense of purpose and accomplishment. It’s like your own tiny human trophy. Except you have to share this trophy. I do not advise sharing trophies if you do not fully know, trust, and understand the person you’re sharing it with. If you’ve seen Family Guy, you may have glimpsed the horrific consequences of trophy sharing. Jealousy, envy, and lack of trust drove the gang to turn against each other until Brian the dog made them take a look at themselves and see just how retarded they were being. I’m totally simplifying and generalizing, but ODDS people ODDS. Try NOT to get knocked up in the first few months of blissful coupledom.

No one knows what will happen to the celebrity families in the making. Honestly, we don’t care, but if their influence penetrates society and plants the seed (punny) that love at first sight and baby at first (fill it in), is the hot new thing to do, then I will personally go and replace all of their celebabies with actual trophies. The kind you’d get at the little league awards banquet. You know a fake marble base with a gold painted plastic dude holding a bat. Most Valuable Baby.