As Ye Sow, So Shall Ye Reap

Dear Jessica,

Look at you up there dancing on your slippery slope of fantasy versus reality. Honey, (LOL, I totally didn’t mean that as a movie reference just a means to be condescending) when will you get that if you prance about grinding on poles, undulating your midriff and allowing a movie camera to film directly up your butt crack, you will be viewed as a sex object. You have spent way too many years visually stimulating America not to be anything else. Votes are counted, you won most sexy. YAY!

Given your past roles I would think that you would be honored for the title that Playboy has bestowed on you. And since you beat everyone else, it seems only right to give you the cover. I mean, you won. Your name was in the magazine, your photos were in the magazine, you are all over that magazine and many other gentlemen publications. Not to mention the millions of men who’s mental rolodexes are filled with you er uhm…dancing in their heads.

But no, you continue to ponder why on earth you are not taken more seriously as an actor. First, start calling yourself what you are which is well-paid eye candy. Though you studied acting with Bill and Felicity at David Mamet school, nothing really seemed to stick. Second, please know that people start to feel sorry for you when they hear you speak on screen because when you talk you hear sounds and words but they’re not connected to anything internal, like emotion. Guys totally don’t want to feel sorry for anyone that brings them gratuitous pleasure. Third, it’s sad to watch you delude yourself into thinking that since you wanted to be an actress since you were 5, you have the ability to do so. You behave like you really belong competition pool that you have no business swimming in. Producers, directors, writers and studio heads all agree and in fact, you said yourself…

'It's not always so great to be objectified but I don't feel I have much of a choice right now. I'm young in my career. I know I have to strike when the iron is hot. I look forward to the day when I can do a small movie and act and it's not about me wearing a bathing suit or chaps.'

The thing is HONEY, there are plenty of young actresses who are very beautiful AND have talent. If you could really act, you would really be acting. You “don’t have much of a choice” my eye. Come on, our lives are made up of choices and the consequences thereof. “…not ALWAYS so great to be objectified…” must mean you KINDA like it. You are utterly and totally responsible for how you are perceived by America and the world at large.

Fourth, F*CK you and your really nice deluded butt!!! You are sending your “people” to Playboy all up in arms because you claim they are misleading people into think you are nude in the magazine. News flash you moron, you’ve been nearly nude in movies and completely nasty nude in the minds of millions everywhere and it’s not going to stop. This cover in no ways changes the way anyone views you. It does perpetuate the image that you have already set up for yourself, but it does not change anything. How you think you are quelling your father’s fear by taking such an adamant “never nude” stance is a joke.

You, dark angel, are nothing but an American Made Ass Factory. So take your deluded little brain, quit whining and just accept the fact that you make MILLIONS of dollars doing virtually NOTHING while real actors wait tables, work in offices, teach, tour, sweat, and slave just to scrape by. Trade ya, you little B*TCH.

Most sincerely,
Mrs. Never be Most Sexy but will Always be an Actor